No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
