I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
