she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
