I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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