Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
