The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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