I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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