good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
