omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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