I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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