I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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