Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
