Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
