we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize