At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize