He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
