Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
