fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
