My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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