I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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