I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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