the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
