I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Let's get the cat blown out
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
