Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
