if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
