just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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