When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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