her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize