When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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