Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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