I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
