you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
