I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
