I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
