how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
