Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
