my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
