you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
