Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
