someone threw a dead crab at me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
