I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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