at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
