Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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