That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
