Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My breasts were aching with rage.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
