We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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