i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
