never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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