Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
God I need to hump something, right now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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