I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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