he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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