why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
