yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize