; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize