bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
