he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
