he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize