70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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