I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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