Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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