i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
