she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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